Plank Family 2029 Christmas

Going to their grandparents' house
Valentin: Okay, everyone! For Christmas, we're going to visit grandma Lucina and grandpa Aali in Honolulu!

Hope: Awesome! I can't wait to check out their new house there!

Tyson: Meh. I bet it's gonna be shit.

Blake: I'm looking to get this white-marbled vinyl of Burzum's" Hvis Lyset Tar Oss".

[Blake shows this vinyl on Discogs]

Hope: Santa is NOT getting you that for Christmas because Varg is a horrible person in real life and his music sucks! Besides, these records are going for ridiculous prices on Discogs!

Blake: So fucking what? Burzum's awesome, and this is one of my favorite albums from him!

Lisa: I'm also hoping to get a VHS of The Silence of the Lambs.

Larson: Me too! That movie is awesome!

Brooke: The Silence of the Lambs is a good film, but it is way too inappropriate for you two!

Kim: Come on, guys! We can't miss our flight!

[The family proceeds to board on an airplane that takes them to Honolulu]

Serena: Honolulu doesn't look as good as the pictures!

Lois: Where do they live at?

Hope: They live near Waimanalo Beach. Let's go there.

[The family travels about 45 minutes to get to Waimanalo Beach]

Valentin: We're here!

[Valentin rings the doorbell. Lucina answers it]

Lucina: Hello, everyone!

Nine Kids: Hi, grandpa!

Aali: It's nice to see my grandkids come to see us for Christmas!

Maria: I know! This is gonna be the best Christmas ever!

Larson: It won't be a great Christmas unless we have a movie night on Welcome to the Dollhouse!

Blake: Yeah! That movie is awesome!

Hope: Are you kidding me? We're not watching that for movie night! Besides, we've got a dinner to have!

Dinner
[The family is seen eating dinner]

Lianne: So, grandpa, how's things going?

Aali: It's been going good for us.

Lilian: Are we gonna have a movie night?

Lucina: Yes! We're gonna watch one of my all-time favorite movies: Gone with the Wind!

Maria: Awesome!

Kim: Are you sure about that? The racial tones on that movie are a bit problematic...

Lucina: I see your concern, but it's important to learn about racism instead of forgetting about it. Besides, that hasn't stopped the film from being so fantastic!

Tyson: That shit's lame! How about we watch No Country for Old Men instead?

Lois: Yeah! That movie is so much better than Gone with the Wind!

Hope: We're not watching No Country for Old Men because it isn't appropriate for your younger siblings. It has to be one that everyone can watch.

Serena: Gone with the Wind is inappropriate as well!

Lisa: And besides, that movie is 4 hours long, and I'm not watching the movie for that long!

Blake: How about we watch The Adventures of Elmo in Grouchland instead?

Brooke: I'm fine with Sesame Street, but The Adventures of Elmo in Grouchland is a bit too babyish for me. Perhaps we can watch Follow That Bird instead,

Serena: We're not watching Follow That Bird! And I hate Sesame Street!

Lucina: Folks, why are fighting over what movie we can watch?

Tyson: BECAUSE GONE WITH THE WIND SUCKS ASS!!!

Serena: I AGREE WITH TYSON!!! YOU EITHER PUT ON NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN OR THE ADVENTURES OF ELMO IN GROUCHLAND FOR MOVIE NIGHT!!!

Larson: AND IF YOU DON'T DO IT, THEN WE WILL BLAST THIS FUCKING HOUSE WITH CONQUEROR'S WAR CULT SUPREMACY!!!

Hope: You six stop this right now! We're not listening to that atrocious album!

Maria: Yeah! Can't you be happy for once?

Blake: NEVER IN OUR FUCKING LIFETIME!!!

[Blake slams his food on Maria]

Hope: BLAKE NO!!!

Maria: What was that for?!

Lois: YOU KNOW WHAT?!?! FUCK THIS SHIT!!!

[The six proceed to start a massive food fight in the dining room]

Lucina: Oh no!

Aali: This isn't what we wanted!

Hope: OH MY GOSH!!! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU SIX DOING?!?!

Lianne: Let's get out of here!

[Lianna and Lilian run off]

Valentin: IF YOU SIX KEEP THIS UP, THEN YOU'RE NOT ONLY NOT GONNA PARTICIPATE IN THIS MOVIE NIGHT, BUT YOU'LL ALSO BE FORCED TO GO TO BED EARLY AND GET NO PRESENTS FOR CHRISTMAS!!!

[Suddenly, pie gets thrown at Valentin's head]

Valentin: ARE YOU SERIOUS RIGHT NOW?!?!

Lisa: FUCK YOU, VALENTIN!!! WE'RE GONNA MAKE YOU ALL PAY!!!

[Lisa then blasts Conqueror's "Domitor Invictus" in the living room speakers]

Hope: TURN IT DOWN!!! YOU'RE GONNA BLOW THE SPEAKERS!!!

Lois: NEVER!!! THAT IS WHAT YOU ALL GET FOR NOT LETTING US WATCH OUR MOVIES FOR MOVIE NIGHT!!!

[The six proceed to continue their food fight]

Brooke: THAT IS IT!!!

[Brooke unplugs the speakers, stopping the song]

Brooke: YOU SIX ARE GOING TO BED EARLY AND YOU'RE DEFINITELY NOT GOING TO HAVE A MOVIE NIGHT!!! NOW GET YOUR BUTTS TO BED RIGHT NOW!!!

[The six run off to their rooms in fear]

Tyson: I cannot believe she just did that!

Lois: Yeah! They're a bunch of idiots who deserve to get coal for Christmas!

Larson: Good thing they didn't take our electronics. What do you say we cool off our minds by watching Saint Seiya: The Heated Battle of the Gods?

Lisa: Isn't that a good movie? We don't watch any critically acclaimed movies unless it's inappropriate for us or is for babies.

Larson: It's kind of a good movie, but it's got its moments.

Tyson: Alright. I'll put it on.

[Tyson gets out his tablet and puts on the movie]

[The scene cuts to Hope, Brooke, Kim, Valentin, Lucina, and Aali cleaning up the mess]

Valentin: Why can't we make the six troublemakers clean this crap?

Hope: They'll refuse, and they'll only make an even bigger mess if we try to force them!

Lucina: These six deserve nothing but coal for Christmas!

Aali: I agree! We worked hard on that food!

Maria: What about movie night? Are we still gonna have it?

Lucina: Yeah, but since it took a while for us to clean up this mess, we have to pick a different movie.

Lilian: Aw man!

Lianne: We wanted to watch Gone with the Wind though...

Maria: I know! We can watch A Christmas Story instead! After all, it is Christmas, and A Christmas Story is one of the best Christmas movies out there.

Hope: I guess you're right! We're gonna watch that for movie night instead!

[The family goes to the living room and puts on A Christmas Story]

Opening the presents
[It is the next morning. The family is down in the living room ready to open presents]

Blake: I hope I get my Burzum vinyl!

Lisa: And I hope me and Larson get our Silence of the Lambs VHS.

Hope: After your blowout at the Christmas Eve dinner, I'd be surprised if Santa got you six anything!

Tyson: Don't be so pessimistic!

Maria: Look what grandpa got me!

[Maria shows off a cassette to Metallica's "Ride the Lightning"]

Aali: That's right! I heard you liked Metallica, and I'm sure you'll love this!

Maria: (hugging Aali) Thanks, grandpa!

Lianna: Look what grandma gave us!

[Lianna and Lilian show off a DVD to Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse]

Lucina: I heard you two loved that movie a lot, so I bought you this DVD of it.

Lilian: (hugging Lucina) Thanks, grandma!

Blake: Whatever! Here's my gift!

[Blake opens up his present to find a vinyl of Iron Maiden's "Somewhere in Time"]

Blake: What the fuck?! I did not ask for an Iron Maiden vinyl!

Tyson: Yeah! Iron Maiden is nothing but overrated metal trash for boomer parents from the UK and teenagers who want to be contrarians for the sake of being contrarians!

Blake: Wait, there's a note on the back...

[The note says "Blake, because you were a very naughty boy on Christmas Eve's dinner, as well as my elves not being able to afford the Burzum vinyl you wanted, I have decided to give you a record of Iron Maiden. After all, this is one of their strongest records along with Powerslave, The Number of the Beast, and Seventh Son of a Seventh Son!"]

Blake: Wait, SANTA KNEW ABOUT THE FIGHT?!?!

Valentin: Of course he knew! Santa knows what you've been doing!

Lisa: Well hopefully me and Larson got our VHS!

[Lisa and Larson open their present to find a VHS of An American Tail]

Larson: OH FUCK MY ASS!!! WE HATE AN AMERICAN TAIL!!!

Lisa: Wait! Let's see if there's a note!

[Lisa finds a note on the back of the VHS. It says "Lisa and Larson, the Silence of the Lambs VHS you wanted is too inappropriate for you. Instead, me and my elves have decided to give you a VHS copy of An American Tail instead. After all, that movie is far better than that trash!"]

Larson: WOW!!! SANTA MUST HAVE A SHITTY TASTE IN MOVIES AND MUSIC!!!

Tyson: YEAH!!! AND NOT TO MENTION THAT THE FOUR OF US GOT NOTHING BUT COAL!!!

Hope: That's what you six get for being bad!

Lois: SO YOU WERE IN ON THIS?!?!

Kim: No we weren't!

Serena: THE FUCK YOU AIN'T!!! GIVE US OUR REAL PRESENTS RIGHT NOW!!!

Brooke: NO!!!

[Blake, Lisa, and Larson throw the Iron Maiden vinyl and the An American Tail VHS in the fireplace]

Hope: LARSON, BLAKE, AND LISA!!! YOU DON'T THROW YOUR PRESENTS AT THE FIREPLACE!!!

Blake: FUCK THEM!!!

Lisa: THEY DESERVE TO BE BURNED!!!

Larson: I AGREE!!! BRUCE DICKINSON AND DON BLUTH WILL BE FORCED TO LIKE THE DEATH METAL BAND INFESTER AND FRITZ THE CAT!!!

Hope: THEY WILL NOT LISTEN TO INFESTER BECAUSE THAT BAND HAS RACIST THEMES NOR ARE THEY WATCHING FRITZ THE CAT BECAUSE THAT MOVIE IS SUPER INAPROPPRIATE!!!

Tyson: YOU KNOW WHAT?!?! FUCK THIS CHRISTMAS!!!

[Tyson knocks down the Christmas tree]

Valentin: TYSON STOP!!!

Tyson: NEVER!!! LET'S FUCK THIS SHIT UP!!!

[Tyson proceeds to smash the Christmas tree]

[Serena then dismantles the Christmas tree further with a hammer]

[Lois throws the Christmas tree remains outside]

Hope: ARE YOU ALL SERIOUS RIGHT NOW?!?! GRANDPA AND GRANDMA PAID A LOT OF MONEY FOR THAT TREE!!!

Blake: WELL FUCK YOU THEN!!! TYSON, GET THE LIGHTER FLUID!!!

[Tyson pours lighter fluid on the Christmas tree]

Valentin: OH NO YOU'RE NOT!!!

[Valentin tries to stop Tyson, but it's too late, as he sets the Christmas tree on fire]

Lucina: My goodness!

Aali: I can't believe you six did that!

Serena: DAMN RIGHT!!! THIS IS WHAT YOU ALL GET FOR NOT GETTING US OUR PRESENTS!!!

Blake: AND THIS IS ESPECIALLY WHAT YOU GET FOR NOT GETTING ME MY BURZUM VINYL AND LARSON AND LISA THEIR SILENCE OF THE LAMBS VHS!!!

Hope: (furious) 'YOU THREE ARE SO DONE, WORDS CANNOT DESCRIBE HOW DONE YOU ARE!!! GET YOUR ASSES IN YOUR ROOMS RIGHT NOW!!!'

[The six run inside in fear]

Maria: (crying) Now it's not Christmas anymore...

Kim: Why isn't it?

Lianne: (crying) Because they destroyed the star...

[Lianne and Lilian show the smashed star]

Brooke: Oh no! The star is broken!

Lilian: (crying) What are we gonna do now?

Lucina: (comforting the three) Don't be sad! You still got your presents, right?

Maria: Yeah...

Aali: Yeah! Thank goodness they didn't break them!

Aftermath
Hope: Way to go in ruining another holiday!

Tyson: We love to do it!

Serena: Yeah! If you guys would've just gave us our presents in the first place, maybe it wouldn't had ended like that!

Valentin: We shouldn't be getting you any presents at all! Especially after you torched the tree, ruined Christmas Eve dinner, and every other bad thing you six did in this entire you!

Hope: And besides, if it weren't for your grandparents, we would've just abandoned you guys on the streets!

Larson: Like you would, fucktards!

Lois: And they actually care about us unlike you!

Lucina: Larson, Blake, and Lisa, we need to talk to you three in private.

Blake: Ah shit...

Lisa: They better not give us another fucking lecture or so help me!

[The three go in the room and close the door]

Larson: What's up?

[Lucina and Aali pull up two gifts]

Blake: What are those?

Lucia: Me and grandpa didn't want to give these to you two because we were worried about your older siblings and father.

Lisa: Wait a minute..

Larson: Could it be...

[They open up their presents, and Blake finds a vinyl copy of Burzum's "Hvis Lyset Tar Oss" while Larson and Lisa find a VHS of The Silence of the Lambs]

Blake: HOLY CRAP!!! YOU GOT THE WHITE-MARBLED VINYL OF HVIS LYSET TAR OSS!!!

Larson: AND YOU GOT ME AND LISA OUR SILENCE OF THE LAMBS VHS!!!

Lisa: THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!

[The three hug their grandparents as they begin to cry. Meanwhile, Hope spies on the five.]

Hope: Are you freaking kidding me? After what they did and they STILL get their damn presents?

Valentin: Hope, just let them be. It's the least we can do to them.