Remano Family 2015 Christmas

Topper The Elf on the Shelf
Hugo: Kids, I have a surprise for you. (Pulls out an Elf on the Shelf, dressed in yellow) This little guy came from the North Pole and he is Santa's little assistant who will be watching you. He is the Elf on the shelf. He lets Santa know what you are up to, so you better behave yourselves. This little guy can fly to the North Pole each night with Christmas magic to tell Santa all the things that you so, whether good or bad. Kids, meet Topper.

Katerina/Orla/Jose/Joshua/Sam/Rowan/Megan/Bryce: Hello, Topper!!!

Katerina's News
Katerina: (on the phone) Mom, I am going to be a mother! The doctor told me I am 9 weeks pregnant! I am going to be having a baby, and it is going to be a boy!!!

Hugo and Bruna get their kids ready
Hugo: "Come on kids, it's time to get ready for church!"

Church Aftermath
(Katerina rubs her hands against her pregnant belly)

Time to Open Presents
[Katarina finds a Wii U, XBOX One, a Nintendo 3DS, R.E.M. Movie, New Super Mario Bros. U, Super Smash Bros. Brawl, Mario Party 8, a 5000 Nintendo Points Card, an Apple Phone, an Android, an iPhone, and an iPad]

Katerina: "This is without a doubt the best Christmas ever. Right my soon-to-be little bundle of Joy?"

Sam: "I hope I get alot of stuff from Best Buy."

[Sam finds a note that says "Sam, you have been very bad this year. You did very bad stuff, broke the elf rule by touching the elf on the shelf, swore, beat up other kids, punched Katerina in the womb which may upset your soon-to-be baby nephew who will be born soon, and drew very hurtful pictures on the walls when things didn't go your way." signed by Santa in cursive]

Sam: "FUCK OFF, SANTA! I HOPE MRS. CLAUS PEGS YOUR FAT ASS!"

Joshua: "I hope I get guns."

[Joshua finds a note that says "Joshua, you have been extremely bad this year. You were using profanity towards others, shoplifting from retail stores and pushing special guests to garbage cans." signed by Santa in cursive]

Joshua: " ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?! SANTA IS SO DEAD!"

Rowan: "I hope I get XBOX One and a 128GB SD card."

[Rowan finds a note that says "Rowan, you were never good this year. You were showing a lack of respect to people, stealing and you were doing illegal drugs." signed by Santa in cursive]

Rowan: "OH HELL NO! SANTA SHALL DIE!"

Megan: "I hope I get an MP3 Player, Monster High dolls, Justice giftcard, Claire's giftcard and SD card."

[Megan finds a note that says "Megan, you were the worst behaved of the family this year. You were a very aggressive and nonstop bully to everyone, tormenting a little girl who lost all of her hair when she had leukemia, getting kicked out of schools and you were showing profanity and a lack of respect and fairness." signed by Santa in cursive]

Megan: "I think Santa's a dickhead for not giving me my shit!"

Bryce: "I hope I get Barney and The Looney Tunes Show DVDs as well as some Graveland CDs."

[Bryce finds a note that says "Bryce, you were very bad this year. You were nonstop violent and aggressive, you were torturing your mother, you were calling your father names, and you constantly blasted Graveland in the house." signed by Santa in cursive]

Bryce: "OH MY FUCKING GOD! I CAN'T BELIEVE I DIDN'T GOT SHIT! SANTA IS A FUCKING BASTARD WHO NEEDS TO BE EXECUTED BY A FIRING SQUAD!"

Jose: "I hope I get a new bike and lots of toys."

[Jose finds a note that says "Jose, you were so bad this year. You were drawing hurtful pictures on the walls of someone resembling your parents and Katarina being struck by thunder and vehicles, beating up other kids and calling your father names." signed by Santa in cursive]

Jose: "I hope that fucking fatass cunt Santa goes to hell because he is a piece of shit and a stupid asshole who likes to fuck himself with a thousand dildos!"

Orla: "I hope I get Dora the Explorer DVDs and dolls, Barney DVDs, and a Barbie dollhouse for all my Barbie's."

[Orla finds a note that says "Orla this year, you ruled the roost. You were anything but good and you were drawing on the walls. The pictures were not very nice and they were hurtful. You were also peeing your pants when things didn't go your way those days, writing very bad words and hurting your cousins and your mommy." signed by Santa is cursive]

Orla: "SANTA IS POO-POO!"

Megan: "YEAH! I AGREE! WE SHALL TAKE REVENGE ON Katerina BECAUSE SHE WAS THE ONLY ONE WHO GOT PRESENTS!"

Bruna: "Because she was very nice and very well-mannered. Unlike the rest of you!"

Rowan: "At least we need to look in our stockings."

Bryce: "We hope we get tons of candy!"

Sam: "And I hope to get some toys!"

Jose: "They better have some good stuff in those stockings!"

Joshua: "Come on, let's go check our stockings."

[Orla, Megan, Jose, Bryce, Rowan, Joshua, and Sam search in their stockings]

[Katrina looks in her stocking]

Katerina: "Sweet! I got some pens, some lip gloss, golden sugar scrub, shimmer mist, body lotion, bubble bath, fragrance mist, body butter, a coin purse, these fabulous gift cards to Bath and Body Works, Bed Bath and Beyond, Starbucks, Ulta and Macy's!"

[The rest of the Remano children find nothing but big, fat, dirty lumps of coal in their stockings]

Joshua: "OH MY FUCKING GOD!"

Sam: "We all got coal.....FUCK YOU, YOU CUM-SUCKING WHORES!!!"

Rowan: "THAT DOES IT!"

Bryce: "Vengeance..."

Jose: "will be..."

Orla: "OURS!"

Megan: "Let's attack and murder Katarina for being the only one who got presents!"

[The seven punch and kick Katarina rapidly as a form of revenge]

Katerina: "Mom, Dad, help! They're trying to kill me!"

Hugo: "Meghann Trina, Samuel Lawrence, Joshua Frederick, Orla Patricia, Bryce Timothy, Rowan Miguel, and Jose Timothy Remano! All of you! Go to your respective rooms!"

Bruna: And take the lumps of coal upstairs with you!"

Bryce: "FUCK NO!!! WE'RE NOT GOING TO OUR ROOMS, YOU BALD, MEXICAN QUEER ASSFUCK! KATRINA THE WHORE WAS THE ONLY ONE WHO GOT PRESENTS, FOUR-EYES! SHE WAS ALSO THE ONLY ONE WHO DIDN'T GET COAL AND ACTUALLY GOT SOME GOOD SHIT!"

Hugo: "Well for that, you can all forget about watching the ball drop!"

Orla: (screeching) "ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?!?! WE WANNA WATCH THE BALL DROP!!!"

Meghann: "Yeah!"

Hugo: "Not gonna happen until next year!"

Jose: "You are such a stupid animal, Bruna!"

[Bruna carries Jose to his room]

[Jose darts right back out]

Bruna: "JOSE TIMOTHY REMANO, GET BACK HERE RIGHT NOW!!!"

[Bruna chases Jose really fast, but Joshua pushes her down the stairs]

[Sam pushes Katrina down the stairs]

[Orla and Megan are seen stealing presents from her cousins]

The Missing Presents
[Orla is seen opening her cousins' presents]

[Orla frowns, not liking what she opened the stolen presents to: it is a shaving kit, underwear, a football, bath bombs, some clothes, some Donald Duck slippers, It's a wonderful Life movie on DVD, a 2016 calendar, a compass, some pots and pans, some socks and neckties]

[Orla re-wraps and returns the presents she did not like under the tree]

[Jose steals some presents which Orla doesn't like]

[Bryce also steals some presents which Orla doesn't like]

Jose & Bryce: "Thanks Orla!"

Orla: "You're welcome, boys."

[Meagan frowns, not liking any of the stolen presents she had just opened: a pair of fluffy slippers, a pair of pajamas, a vacuum cleaner, a knitting kit, a storybook, a booster seat, a 2016 calendar, and a garden gnome]

[Meagan re-wraps the presents she didn't like and returns them under the tree]

Meagan: "Would you three like those?"

Sam: Hell yeah!

Rowan: It's about time we get some good shit!

Joshua: "Yeah, thanks Meg!"

Krampus the Demonic Beast
3 minutes later...

[Katarina comes in Orla's room, dressed as Krampus, the demonic beast in Mythologic folk fore]

Katarina: (in demonic scary voice) "Naughty child, I have traveled from the Northern Alps to punish you, Jose, Meghann, Sam, Bryce, Rowan and Joshua for your bad behavior this year."

Orla: "OH SHIT! WE ARE SO FUCKED!"

[Katarina takes out the burlap sac, a cane and a switch]

Katarina: "GET IN MY SAC!"

Orla: "Mommy, help me! A monster's coming to take me away! Help me!"

Katarina: "Orla Patricia Remano, you get in my sac!"

Jose: "Oh, FUCK OFF YOU SHITTY ASSCUNT!"

Katarina: "Jose Timothy and Bryce Timothy, both of you! Get in my sac!"

Jose: "Go away, fatty!"

Bryce: "Yeah! Get lost, you queer bitchcunt!"

Katarina: "Meghann Trina, get in my sac!":

Meghann: "Daddy, help! That gay ass monster is gonna kidnap us!"

Katarina: "Joshua Frederick, get in my sac!""

Joshua: "Pop, save me! That bitch ass hoe better not fucking take me!"

Katarina: "Samuel Lawrence, get in my sac!"

Sam: "STAY AWAY YOU PEDOFUCK!"

Katarina: "Rowan Miguel, get in my sac!"

Rowan: "Oh, shit! This assdick is gonna fuck us really hard!"

[Katarina sends all seven children to the burlap sac]

Katerina: "STAY IN MY SAC!"

Orla: "OH FUCK YOU!!! MOMMY!!! DADDY!!! HELP US!!!"

Bryce: "ROB DARKEN!!! SAVE US FROM THIS PEDOPHILE!!!"

Meghann: "FUCK THIS SHIT!!!"

[Meghann rips out a hole in the sac, and the seven kids get out of it]

Katarina: "No! Don't escape!"

Sam: "TOO BAD, ASSHOLE!!! YOU WANNA KIDNAP US?!?! WE'LL FUCK YOU UP!!!"

[Bryce blasts Graveland's "Blood of Christians on My Sword" on the speakers at full blast]

Katarina: "Turn that song off! I hate Graveland!"

Joshua: "GOOD, FUCKTARD!!!"

[The seven attack Katarina. She takes off her costume]

Katarina: "STOP!!! IT'S JUST ME!!! I WAS JUST MESSING WITH YOU GUYS!!!"

Dinnertime
(Cousins are complaining that they did not feel very well after taking a few bites of their Christmas dinner; some of them started feeling nauseous and vomiting)

(Aunts and uncles and grandparents are experiencing diarrhea and stomach cramps)

Bruna: Oh, dear. I do hope that my oyster stew hasn't gone bad.

Aftermath
(We see Katrina, grandparents, parents, uncles, aunts and cousins being loaded in separate ambulance due to a mysterious illness)

(The seven remaining children are allowed to ride in the ambulance with their sister Katrina)

[Cut to: The Remano family (minus the seven children) are in urgent care at the hospital due to food poisoning]