Hope Plank's Movies/Shows/Music Rants Blog

The following is a blog about bad movies, shows, and music by Hope Plank.

Ponyo
Hey guys, it's Hope here, and I'm writing a blog on rants of my least favorite movies, shows, and music. And I'm gonna start it off with one of my least favorite movies of all time, and that is Ponyo.

Ponyo was created by Studio Ghibli, and Ghibli has made some of my favorite animes of all time, with those films being Kiki's Delivery Service, Spirited Away, and The Tale of the Princess Kaguya. With Ponyo, however, they chose to sell out and pander to little kids. It doesn't help that Disney played a huge role in the film, starred Noah Cyrus and Frankie Jonas, and even spawned the infamous "Ponyo On the Cliff by the Sea (Remix)" song, which is absolute trash!

Now as for the movie itself, it's not much better. The main problem with the film is that it has a rather childish and dumb tone. A lot of the scenes are just "oMg lOoK At hOw cUtE PoNyO LoOkS!!!!!!!!!!!1111111" and drags out forever! We do kinda get some plot on her father trying to stop her from indirectly destroying the world, but it's weak at best. In fact, why even have a plot at all? Kiki's Delivery Service is just a witch girl moving into a city and starting a delivery service to get by and become an actual witch, yet it's execution makes it a down-to-earth coming-of-age film that makes it relatable to those around Kiki's age. Spirited Away also has a basic plot with Chihiro trying to get her parents back, but when you watch the film, it speaks magnitude! The Tale of the Princess Kaguya is based on a popular folk tale in Japan, and it feels accurate to the source as well as unique from the animation style. Ponyo could've tried that, but it didn't!

But the worse thing about Ponyo is the six troublemakers liking it. They say it's the best movie from Ghibli and even go as far as to say that Kiki's Delivery Service, Spirited Away, and The Tale of the Princess Kaguya is absolute trash! I banned the kids from watching it, but they still find a way to rebel against me! They're even part of the Ponyo Club, where they watch the film while eating popcorn and drink soda. It's pure cringe, and it makes me facepalm!

You might think I'm being a contrarian for the sake of being a contrarian, but have you seen Nostalgia Critic's review of it? While he did say it was good (may I ask why?), he admitted that the film had flaws, but people were beating him up over it! That's how I feel, and I know that there are people out there that hate Ponyo as well. Please team up with me so we can convince the world that Ponyo is trash, because if the six troublemakers rebel against it one more time, I'm gonna snap!

Nu metal and Hardcore punk
Before I continue, I need to address this: Not all nu metal bands are bad. I enjoy some bands like Deftones, Linkin Park, System of a Down, and Staind. Everyone else in nu metal and especially the entire hardcore punk scene is a completely different story...

Let's start off with hardcore punk. The main issue with them is their lack of accessibility. By that, I mean that they do everything they can to make themselves as underground and anti-mainstream as possible. This wouldn't be a problem if they weren't so stupid with it. Bands like Minor Threat and especially Black Flag eventually became part of the mainstream, and they technically "sold out", but they are still praised in the punk scene. The lyrical themes are also cringy, as it's anti-establishment and "stick it to the man" crap gets old very fast, and makes them look immature. Worst of all, some are RAC/Nazi punk bands and taint the scene with their racist beliefs! I don't like Dead Kennedys, but their song "Nazi Punks Fuck Off" does a good job mocking these people. When it comes to punk, I prefer post-punk bands like Joy Division or The Cure.

But they're nothing compared to nu metal. As I stated earlier, some nu metal bands are okay, though I don't listen to them as often. But there are SO MANY atrocious bands! Slipknot and Limp Bizkit are the worst. With Slipknot, they're nothing but a bunch of over-the-top edgelords who only appeal to the most basic goths and angsty teens. They're right up there with Marilyn Manson and Nine Inch Nails in terms of their controversies, and they are especially bad people in real life. And don't even get me started with Limp Bizkit! Fred Durst's voice is so annoying, and he acts like a gangster, but he isn't. Those two bands also got into feuds with one another, and it's so petty to see both fanbases fight each other over it. Whang did made a video about it here, and some of those websites are absolutely baffling!

It's why I prefer to stay away from those genres in general. If you want some good punk, listen to post-punk. And if you want some good nu metal bands, listen to bands like Deftones, Linkin Park, System of a Down, and Staind, or just stay away from the genre altogether.

Cradle of Filth/Dimmu Borgir
I know this is gonna sound like it came in the late 90s/2000s, but it's true! Cradle of Filth and Dimmu Borgir still remain the worst black metal has to offer, and I don't even like that genre to begin with!

Let's start off with Cradle of Filth. Dani Filth's vocals are atrocious! Black metal doesn't have the best vocals in the world, but his high-pitched shrieks sound so annoying! Whatever little atmosphere the track has, the second he comes in with his shrieking, I just wanna turn off the song! It really is that bad! And the instrumentals aren't much better, because the symphonic parts are really cheesy and that female vocalist is so generic, I don't even know her name! At least Dani has something with his annoying voice. And that's not including their shirts, oh my god... Tyson actually owns a long-sleeve Cradle of Filth shirt that has a nun masturbating in the front, and in the back, it says "JESUS IS A C∩NT" with some blood red splatter on the sleeves (Editor's note: The following link is NSFW. Do not click if you're under 18). I felt disgusted looking at that shirt, and I tried to get rid of it, but I always fail. I even saw a video where someone got arrested for wearing the exact same shirt Tyson was wearing! Every single release they've done is atrocious, and their recent change in direction to a gothic metal sound makes my ears wanna die!

As for Dimmu Borgir, they're not as bad as Cradle of Filth, but that doesn't make them good. The music they make is some of the most generic black metal I've ever heard. This is right up there with Marduk in terms of generic black metal. This is what the old women in my church think what metal is in general, even though I tried to get them into good metal bands like Metallica and Iron Maiden. Even with their "best" album like "For all tid", it's still atrocious. In fact, that album has a review average of 67% on Metal Archives, and "Abrahadabra" is their worst album, as MA has that album rated a 49%. I get that MA can be biased, but still, most Cradle of Filth albums struggle to get lower than 70%.

In conclusion, Dimmu Borgir has a much better image, but bad music. Cradle of Filth's music is slightly better (without Dani's cringy vocals of course), but their image and clothing are way too inappropriate. I don't recommend black metal in general, but if you really do wanna get into black metal, avoid these bands at all cost.

Death metal in general
And while we're on the topic of extreme metal, let's take a look at death metal. If you thought black metal was trash, you haven't seen nothing yet...

Unlike black metal, death metal leans less on the occult and more on gore. Cannibal Corpse is notorious with this, and the lyrics are complete cringe! You also got songs like Necropedophile, which is just as bad as you'd think. Seriously, stay away from that song at all costs. Even Lei Chao hates it, and I don't view him so fondly anymore!

As for the other Floridian death metal bands, they're just as bad. Deicide is crap, Obituary is cringe, and Death is overrated! Their early albums are so extreme and atrocious, and their later progressive/technical work is not as good as other progressive rock bands like Pink Floyd, Yes, or King Crimson. Morbid Angel is considered one of the best in the Floridian death metal genre, but it's so overrated! Their early albums? Forget those! They are one of the worst metal albums of all time, right up there with St. Anger and The Unspoken King! And don't even get me started on Illud Divinum Insanus...

But while Cannibal Corpse and Deicide are the worst death metal bands I've ever heard, Entombed comes as the third worst band! Before you death metaltards come after me, no, this is NOT disrespecting L.G. Petrov. However, his work is overrated. I really do not like his vocals, and I only find him tolerable in Left Hand Path, and I use tolerable in the most basic definition. And even LHP is horrible!

So yeah, I don't know what's worse: black metal or death metal. Either way, I am not listening to those cringy bands!

Baby shows and Baby movies
I hate extreme movies and shows with lots of gore and sex, but I also hate another extreme movie and show: ones that are designed for babies!

Barney, Dora, Caillou, and The Oogieloves in the Big Balloon Adventure are baby shows and movies that I hate. The reason is because they dumb down on kids and act like they don't know anything in the world! The six troublemakers like them because they say it brings them back to when they were little babies, but there's a good way and a bad way of doing that, and it's a super bad way!

And then there's Baby First TV. The six troublemakers like it because it's for babies, but excuse my French, IT FUCKING SUCKS!!! I tried watching it before, but I quit before the show finished! There's no plot, no structure, barely any dialogue, and the color vomit is horrendous! When me and Chuck have our own kids, I'm gonna show them films like Citizen Kane, The Godfather, Lady Bird, Parasite, Kiki's Delivery Service, Spirited Away, The Tale of the Princess Kaguya, La La Land, Lord of the Rings Series, E.T., Back to the Future, Star Wars (original series and not the reboots in the 1990s-2000s and late 2010s), Rocky, The Silence of the Lambs, One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest, and more!

You may say that I'm overreacting, but here's the thing: Barney's Great Adventure is right up there with Ponyo in terms of my least favorite movies of all time. The only thing that stops it from being number one is that people at least acknowledge that Barney sucks, while everyone else thinks that Ponyo is good! Barney's Great Adventure is what got my hatred for baby shows and movies going, and I will never apologize for hating on baby crap!

Graveland and Nokturnal Mortum
If you've seen my AITA story, you're probably aware of my run in with Rob Darken and how I destroyed his albums in from of him as a protest against the six troublemakers getting into him. Well, since the six are still into this band, I need to make a rant on how horrible this band is, as well as Nokturnal Mortum.

I mean, besides the NS crap (which they love to deny, even though there is a photo of the band members doing the Nazi salute), their music is just bad. Their early demos sounded trash, and their debut album "Carpathian Wolves" made me wanna vomit! I mean, I'm not a fan of black metal to begin with, but that album has some horrible drumming. And it only gets worse with every new release. I'm so glad that racist POS Capricornus eventually left the band, but things didn't get better from there.

Now, imagine Bathory's viking metal albums (not a huge fan of them, but I thought "Hammerheart", "Twilight of the Gods", and "Blood on Ice" were decent). Now imagine those albums, but with even worse production, lousy guitar riffs, and some of the dumbest vocals you've ever heard. That's Graveland's viking metal albums in a nutshell. It is just... OH MY GOD, WHY DO THEY EXIST?!?!

My least favorite album of theirs is "Creed of Iron". Mark Slater told me it was his favorite album of theirs along with their first four records, but it's just crap. The riffs are boring and go on for WAY TOO LONG, and the drumming is somehow even worse than Crapricornus's drumming. Not to mention that Rob's vocals sound like a frog that took too much heroin. And I haven't even talked about the song "White Beasts of Wotan" which is a blatant white supremacist anthem, or even their EP "Blood of Heroes" that included a swastika on the cover and a celtic cross on the vinyl. And yet, people still say this band isn't NSBM...

Now it's time for Nokturnal Mortum. Oh my god! This band is even worse than Graveland, and that's saying something! For starters, they were not so subtle with their NS themes. I mean, one copy of their demo "Lunar Poetry" included swastikas on the sleeve, and on the album "Нехристь", not only do we see yet another celtic cross on the cover, they have a song called "The Call of Aryan Spirit", and these lyrics quote:

The voice calling me into darkness, Open the gates through which I'll leave The call of the ancient blood calls me to fight The call of Slavonic blood

Aryan lands with the boundless expanse Through milleniums come to me The forests and steppers everything I own Is given to the damned jewish tribe

...

Silver people with white skin Are gathering to perform a rite The wisemen are cursing on the jewish scum And I see the white man's power!

Spit in jewish faces, cut them into pieces Let them choke with their lie Let the woods grow up on their corpses only white man's power!

''We are the only ones to have the right for this land! It's ours, indeed! These rivers have been flowing together with our blood for ages This grass has grown on the bodies of our killed warriors Hey, stay with us, our Aryan spirit!''

Now, if you still support this band after reading these lyrics, then you are dead to me. You're just... gone. And I don't wanna hear "bUt hOpE, tHeY ReNoUnCeD ThEiR NsBm iDeOlOgY In 2014!!!!!!!!!!11111", because according to Metal Archives, they're still playing at NSBM shows. Hell, they even played at Steelfest multiple times, and that festival is filled with racists!

Seriously, fuck Graveland, and fuck Nokturnal Mortum! I don't usally say that to people, but fuck them! I hope the six stop listening to these atrocious bands!

Gayle's "abcdefu"
Hey everyone. I've been getting a lot of requests to do a rant on Gayle's song "abcdefu". I didn't want to do it since ADoseofBuckley already made a good video criticizing it, but after I heard it myself, I knew I had to do it!

For starters, this song has some of the worst lyrics I've ever read ever. I feel like I need to apologize to Nokturnal Mortum's "The Call of Aryan Spirit" for thinking it had the worst lyrics, because abcdefu clearly takes the cake! Just listen to this!

A-B-C-D-E, F-U And your mom and your sister and your job And your broke-ass car and that shit you call art Fuck you and your friends that I'll never see again Everybody but your dog, you can all fuck off

Like, did she let an angsty 13-year-old write the lyrics? The chorus literally starts off with her reciting the first four letters of the alphabet before saying "F-U" as a pun for "fu", which makes no sense. And the line "And your broke-ass car and that shit you call art" feel stupid, because she's breaking him up over a car he probably drives her with and "that shit he calls art", though his "shit" probably makes him money. With these lyrics, Gayle comes off as the entitled one, and it's probably for the better that he left her! And I gotta love that line "Everybody but your dog, you can all fuck off" just to appease to the dog-lover crowd.

And to make matters worse? Wikipedia used to describe this song as "pop punk", which makes no sense! I don't like punk, but the genre does have a certain sound and style to it, and this isn't punk at all. Green Day, blink-182, and Sum 41 were more punk than this! And besides, she even made a clean radio edit of this song, which could be argued as her trying to sell out, and that goes against the punk ethos! Thankfully, it's now just referred to as "pop rock", because that's what it really is.

Seriously, this song was absolutely abysmal. This is even worse than The Shaggs, and I'm not kidding! And now it's only a matter of time before the six troublemakers get into this shit just to piss me off, which I REALLY hope they don't, because I do not want to be terrorized by this song any longer!