Slater Family's Christmas (2020)

Christmas Eve
Martha: Today is Christmas season, and the extended family is gonna come. Be on your best behavior!

Mark: Whatever! I can't wait for uncle Bobby to come and get me that new vinyl of Mayhem's "Dawn of the Black Hearts".

Bill: It has the dead body of Dead!

Mark: Exactly! And I think it'll look cool in my collection!

The Family Arrives
[Grandma and Grandpa arrive first]

[Uncle Bob arrives with his girlfriend Amanda and cousin Rowley]

[Aunt Lisa comes with cousins Samantha and Lucy]

Martha: Glad you all come!

Bill: Yo, Rowley, wanna have a WOW LAN party?

Rowley: I'm more of a DOTA person.

Bill: Fucking nerd...

Mark: Yo Bobby, you got me hooked up with the Dawn of the Black Hearts vinyl?

Bobby: We'll see...

Dinnertime
Mark: Why the fuck do we have turkey? Did we had that shit for Thanksgiving?

Daniel: Well we decided to have something new today.

Bill: I HATE TURKEY!!!

[Bill throws the entire turkey at Stacy]

Martha: BILL!!!

[Stacy throws an extreme meltdown and flips the table]

Grandpa: OW!!! I FELL!!!

Grandma: HOW DARE YOU!!! MARTHA I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO GET RID OF THAT DEMON CHILD!!!

Martha: MOM SHE IS NOT A DEMON CHILD!!! AND BILL YOU DON'T THROW AN ENTIRE TURKEY AT YOUR SISTER!!!

Bill: She deserved it for being a demon child!

Grandma: See? Even your own children think she's bad!

Mark: Honestly, I've prefer ham anyway.

The Night Before Christmas
[It is 12 AM. Santa arrives at the house]

Santa: Time to give the Slater Family their presents.

[While Santa is putting presents on the Christmas tree, he hears a sound]

Santa: What is that?

[He sees Stacy and Bill coming to the living room]

Bill: So it is true? You really exist?

Santa: Yes! Now go back to bed now!

[Stacy rips apart her stocking and eats all the candy in it]

Santa: No! You're suppose to wait until Christmas morning!

Bill: It technically is Christmas morning, fatass. Now let's see what I got!

[Bill opens his stocking to find coal]

Bill: THE FUCK DO I GET COAL FOR?!?!

Santa: Because you ruined Christmas Eve dinner!

Bill: GIVE ME CANDY!!!

Santa: Nope!

[Bill throws coal at Santa]

Santa: Stop it right now or I'll return the presents!

Bill: RETURN THE PRESENTS AND I'LL RETURN YOU'RE FUCKING FATASS TO THE FUCKING NORTH POLE AND GAY ASS RUDOLPH CAN SUCK YOUR DICK 24/7 AND DESTROY PORNHUB AS HE WILL RECORD THE ENTIRE FUCKING SEXTAPE AND RUIN YOUR MARRIAGE WITH MRS CLAUS!!!

Santa: That's it! I'm done!

[Santa dumps down the rest of the presents, then climbs out of the house, and goes back to his sleigh]

Santa: I'm definitely never coming back to this house again!

[Santa flies out of the house and out of the town]

Opening Presents
[It is 8 AM. The family is awake and ready to open presents]

Daniel: We got a lot more presents than last year!

Bill: Looks like Santa really got us covered this year!

Mark: I'll open mine's first! This has to be the LP of Mayhem's "Dawn of the Black Hearts"!

[Mark opens his present, and it is an LP vinyl of Mayhem's "Dawn of the Black Hearts"]

Mark: YES!!! YES!!! I GOT IT!!! I GOT THE BOOTLEG TAPE WITH DEAD'S DEAD BODY!!! YES!!! THIS IS THE BEST CHRISTMAS EVER!!!

Martha: That's great! Just put it away now because that cover is extremely inappropriate!

[The kids open the rest of the presents. Mark not only got the LP, but he also got a complete action figure set of the Slipknot band members, a VHS copy of Mayhem's 1990 Rehearsal, graphic novels of Heavy Metal, a poster of the Cannibal Corpse band, and the first edition of Charles Dickens's "Oliver Twist". Bill only got coal. Stacy got weighted blankets, music boxes, toys made for autistic children, a new helmet (so she won't self-harm), DVDs of Barney, Dora, Caillou, Pajanimals, Bear in the Big Blue House, and 64 Zoo Lane, and a Autism Speaks shirt]

Bill: WHAT THE FUCKING SHIT?!?! I GET COAL, BUT MARK AND STACY GET PRESENTS?!?!

Martha: Well maybe if you haven't ruined Christmas Eve you would've gotten some presents!

Bill: YOU KNOW WHAT?!?! FUCK THIS SHIT!!!

[Bill takes down the Christmas tree]

Daniel: BILL NO!!!

Bob: This is why I didn't come to last year's!

Lisa: THAT IS SO IMMATURE!!!

Grandpa and Grandma: Not even Martha acted like that when she was a child!

[Bill then drags the Christmas tree outside]

Martha: Bill what are you doing?

[Bill pours gasoline on the Christmas tree and then sets it on fire]

Martha: BILL SLATER!!! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!?!

Bill: IF I CAN'T HAVE A GOOD CHRISTMAS, THEN NO ONE WILL!!!

[Bill then snatches Mark's LP copy of Mayhem's "Dawn of the Black Hearts"]

Mark: BILL GIVE ME BACK MY LP!!!

Bill: NO!!! IT IS EXTREMELY INAPPROPRIATE, AND I FUCKING HATE MAYHEM!!! SO THIS LP IS DEAD JUST LIKE DEAD!!!

[Bill throws the LP in the fire]

Mark: BIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIILLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHAT THE FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

Martha: YOU DO NOT THROW ANYONE'S PRESENTS IN A FIRE EVER!!!

Bill: I DON'T CARE!!! I FUCKING HATE MARK!!! I HATE HIS DEATH METAL AND BLACK METAL!!! AND I HATE HIS EDGINESS!!!

Mark: I'M GONNA FUCKING KILL YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Mark tackles Bill to the ground and they both wrestle]

Martha: MARK AND BILL!!!

[Martha and Daniel break up the fight]

Bill: KILL HIM!!! KILL HIM!!!

Martha: Mark had a good reason to attack you!

Bobby: It's okay, Mark! I will buy you another copy!

Mark: Thanks, uncle Bobby, you're a better person than that sociopathic fuck Bill!

Bill Gets Sent to Military School
Bill: I AM NOT GOING TO FUCKING MILITARY SCHOOL!!! YOU CAN'T FUCKING MAKE ME!!!

Martha: No! You went too far by ruining the Christmas Eve dinner, burn down the Christmas tree, and then incinerate one of Mark's presents! You will spend the rest of the year in military school and you will miss out on the New Years party!

Bill: NO!!! FUCK OFF!!!

[Soon, the bus arrives to pick up Bill]

Bill: GET THE FUCK AWAY!!! GET THE FUCK AWAY!!!

Mark: No! This is karma for burning my beloved Dawn of the Black Hearts!

[Bill is dragged to the bus, and it then drives away]