Heart Family Christmas 2034

Elfie the Elf on the Shelf
Garrett: Kids, we have a surprise for you. Come downstairs and look. Santa Claus sent his very special little helper to keep an eye on both of you this holiday season, an elf on the shelf, to make sure you stay on the nice list - including you, Nora.

Nora: (sarcastically) An elf on the shelf to spread Christmas joy this holiday season? How exciting.

Eliza: Well, what would you like to name her?

Nora: Loser.

Gabriel: Elfie.

Eliza: Then Elfie it is.

Nora: "Oh, come on. Elfie is such a babyish name!"

Garrett: "Nora, Elfie sounds much nicer than Loser. We're supposed to be keeping the holiday spirit alive."

Nora: "Who gives a crap about holiday spirit?!"

Eliza: "You do not talk back to your dad that way. We all do care about the holiday spirit, just like you used to when you were little, remember?"

[Garrett presents the Elf on the Shelf adoption certificate]

Garrett: This Elf adoption certificate hereby decrees that Elfie is now part of our family tradition.

Nora: (sarcastically) Oh, joy to the world.

Writing Christmas Wish Lists
Nora: (typing in her Netbook laptop) Let's see...what I want for Christmas is a silver Lexxus, a double barrel shotgun, a hunting knife, a senior prom gown with matching shoes and accessories, $1000 ebay gift card, 12 cases of red bull, silver heart necklace, $500 Fandango gift card, homecoming mini-dress with matching shoes and accessories, Dickie's Lowrider jacket....a boatload of cold hard cash, Xbox one-s with a huge-ass library of M-Rated games, XBOX one-s accessories, some jewelry, trip to universal studios Hollywood with a private tour, Some vinyls, CDs, and cassettes for every studio album, EP, and demo Carcass has released, VIP to Cosplay Con, a GoPro, my belly button pierced, a dragon tattoo......oh yeah, an iPhone...and that should do it.

[Eliza takes a look at Nora's wish list]

Eliza: Honey, don't you think that's a bit much? I mean, stuff like an Xbox and Carcass albums are alright, but a private tour of Universal Studios, a shotgun and knife, and even a belly button pierce and a tattoo?! Santa can't get you those things! Keep it simple like Gabriel.

Nora: Like I fucking would! I want to have the biggest Christmas gifts ever!

Bye Bye Elfie and the Christmas Eve Box
Eliza: Elfie has to go back to the North Pole but she will be back next year. Before she goes, she will leave behind a special Christmas Eve box for you.

Traveling to Tennessee
Eliza: Okay, kids, are you all set?

Gabriel: Where are we going again?

Garret: We're going to visit your grandmother in Nashville.

Nora: I am not gonna spend my Christmas in that old hag's shitty cabin! Can't I spend Christmas at my Lisa's house?

Eliza: Nora, Christmas is about family.

December 25: Opening Presents on Christmas Day Morning
'''Nicole: "At Grandma Janice's house in Nashville Tennessee, the children looked in their stockings and opened presents. Nora received a bunch of coal and a note from Santa, so she threw an overly epic and violent tantrum over it." '''

[Gabriel peeks into his stocking]

Gabriel: "Wow! I got a Trivial Pursuit for Kids DVD game, lotsa candy, Nintendo 2DS XL, Pokémon Ultra Sun game, Grinch slime, SpongeBob SquarePants Movie bluray, a Kingdom Hearts 3 Xbox one Game, XBOX gold member pass, a Mario plush, and Pokémon action figures!"

[Gabriel opens up his presents]

Gabriel: "Yay! An Angry Birds plush toy, an XBOX One-s with lots of accessories, a library of video games I can play, SpongeBob SquarePants seasons 1,2 and 3, Harry Potter Wizard chess set, Bop It XT, a snowboard, Star Wars Millennium Falcon and an Apple iPod Touch!"

Eliza: "Oh, my goodness! An Amazon Echo Spot! Garret, thank you honey! A Blackberry and a new iPad!"

[Nora peeks into her stocking and finds huge lumps of coal]

Nora: "FUCK SANTA! FUCK THAT FATASS AND HIS D**E WIFE! HE MUST FUCKING DIE IN AFGHANISTAN DURING A FUCKING WAR! DAMN, DAMN, DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMN!!!!"

Eliza: "What's wrong, honey?"

Nora: "WHAT'S WRONG?! WHAT'S-FUCKING-WRONG?!?! I GOT FUCKING COAL IN MY SHITFUCK OF A STOCKING!!!"

Garret: "Relax, honey! Look, Santa left you some presents and a note. There might be some actual gifts in them."

[Nora, however, finds more coal in the gifts plus a note from Santa saying, "Nora, Elfie the Elf told me that you were a very naughty girl this year. You hurt your little brother Gabriel, tried to kill him, broke his spine, femur, pelvis, humerus, tibia and fibula which put him in the hospital, tortured your father and mother, ruined the occasions, got fired from after-school jobs, got detentions, skipped school to go to the mall, got in trouble with the law, smoked weed, shouted bad words, got kicked out of school. thus you cannot get any presents this year. Signed, Santa" in cursive]

Nora: "FUCK YOU, SANTA!!" (screams at the top of her lungs as she rips up the letter from Santa)

Eliza: "Nora Michelle Heart, I do not appreciate that behavior at all. You've been a very bad girl this year, thus you cannot get any presents this year. To make matters worse, you will be grounded for next year when we get home and your cell phone will be gone for the rest of the year. You will also go straight to your room and take the lump of coal upstairs with you!"

Nora: "FUCK YOU, YOU FUCKING STEREOTYPE! GO FUCKING DIE IN A FUCKING BOMBING MASSACRE IN IRAQ, YOU HORSE-BANGING SKANK!"

[Nora kicks the Christmas tree and it falls over Gabriel causing it to break and Nora smashes it with her feet]

Gabriel: "SOMEBODY HELP ME!!!! I;VE BEEN TRAPPED!!!"

Eliza: (Lifting Gabriel out of the tree) "Gabriel, are you okay, sweetie?"

[Nora throws ornaments, smashes the nativity scene, pulls down the decorations from the wall, Destroys, Rudolph, Breaks Elf 2003 DVD and a Rudolph DVD to pieces, throws them into the fireplace resulting in a flash fire, throws the presents out of the window which smashes, and breaks $150,000 worth of items]

Grandma Janice: "Oh, my word... I've never seen anything like this..."

Garret: "NORA MICHELLE HEART!!! What are you doing now?"

Grandma Janice: "You are in very serious trouble missy!!!"

Nora: "Shut up, you bloody vaginal belch!!! Go shit in your diapers and smell your wrinkly cunt!!!"

[Nora sets the wrapping paper and ornaments on fire causing a flash fire, goes into the kitchen gets out a box of Meow Mix which belongs to her grandmother's pet cat named Perky and spills the Meow Mix everywhere in the living room]

Grandma Janice: "Nora, stop it immediately or your mother will confiscate all of your favorite items for the rest of the year."

Nora: "SHUT THE HELL UP, STUPID ASSWIPE!"

Grandma Janice: "Oh, dear. I knew I should have gotten the fire-proof ornaments. Perky, look what I have for you, darling."

[Perky meows curiously]

[Perky peeks into his cat stocking to reveal holiday cat toys (3 sparkle balls, 4 jingle balls, 2 Krinkle balls, catnip toys, 4 plush mice with catnip, a dozen rainbow toy mice, 2 spikey balls, 1 fleecy pom, 2 sporty tennis balls, 2 sponge balls and 2 glitter balls with cat nip), some rubber mice]

[Unfortunately, Nora attacks Perky and breaks all of Perky's toys]

[Perky hisses at Nora]

Nora: "You wanna fight, fucking dipshit? It's on, motherfucker!" (continues attacking Perky, but Eliza stops her)

Eliza: "Absolutely not! Don't hurt poor littl ee rky!"

(Nora shoves Eliza down on the ground and continues to attack the cat. Perky then flees in terror as the fire department arrives on the scene followed by the police department)

Fire chief: What is going on here?!

(Grandma Janice explains the whole situation to the chief while Nora escapes through the front door and drives off in Grandma's red Chevrolet mini van, slamming her foot onto the gas pedal and speeding off)

(The fire department manages to put out the fire)

Eliza: Oh, thank heavens.

Gabriel: Hey, Grandma...isn't that your red car pulling out of the driveway? Looks like Nora took it for a drive.

Grandma Janice: My red Chevrolet mini van?! Oh, my goodness! Where have Nora taken my mini van?

(However, by the time the reach the driveway, the mini van is already long gone.......15 miles)

December 26
Eliza: Have they found Nora yet?

(Perky meows)

Grandma Janice: Poor Perky.

(Soon, a police car arrives)