Slater Family Takes Vacation in Norway

Before Arrival
Martha: Today, kids, we're going to spend the summer in Norway.

Bill: Norway? You've promised us you'd take us to Cayman Islands!

Daniel: We did, but due to a flood that struck the islands, we've decided to go to Norway instead.

Mark: That is the birthplace of true Norwegian black metal! This is gonna be awesome!

Flying to Norway
Martha: We will be taking Norwegian Air International for our airlines.

[The five enter the plane]

Attendant: Thank you for choosing Norwegian Air International. Please watch the safety video.

[As the safety video plays, Mark goes on his phone to play video games]

Daniel: Mark, watch the video!

Mark: Do you know how rare it is for a plane to crash? It's less common than in cars or boats!

Martha: Still, you need to know what to do in case something bad happens!

[The airplane then flies out of Seattle–Tacoma International Airport]

Staying in the cabins
[The cabin they're going to be living in is the KIF Cabin in Kolsås, which is about 25 minutes from Oslo.]

Martha: See? This is a nice cabin.

Mark: I thought we were going to be in Oslo! I already fucking hate this!

Bill: Well didn't Mayhem used to live in a cabin? Especially when Dead was around?

Mark: Yeah.

Bill: It'll be just like that!

Mark: But this isn't the Mayhem cabin! And it's literally in the middle of the crappy gay forests in Norway!

Daniel: Mark, it's hypocritical of you to talk smack about the Norwegian forests, but the bands you listen to are obsessed with them!

Mark: Well I like them, but these conditions don't suit me! Hell, we're right next to Sandvika!

Martha: Well you have to be grateful. Look at Stacy, she's enjoying it!

Mark: Of course that autistic purple hair fat autistic ass bitch is gonna like it!

Daniel: Mark, stop complaining right now or we'll send you back to Washington!

Mark sneaks out of the cabin to visit the Helvete Record Shop
[The family is seen having marshmallows on a campfire]

Martha: See? Tonight, we're gonna have an excellent night camping here.

Mark: We're gonna camp out here? We're right next to the cabin, and it's cold as shit!

Bill: Dude, Washington was cold too.

Mark: But not this cold!

Daniel: I'm getting the tents pitched up. I expect you boys to help me.

Mark: Sure, loving father! Let me go use the bathroom first.

Bill: You better not camp there and make me do the work!

Mark: I won't.

[Mark, however, sneaks away from the cabin and walks down the road to the entrance]

Mark: There is no way in hell that I am gonna spend the night in the outside! Instead, I'm gonna take the rental car and drive to Oslo to see the Helvete Record Shop!

[Mark gets in the rental car and drives the 25 minutes to Oslo]

Mark: Now all I gotta do is put in the address to the record shop, and we're all set!

[Meanwhile...]

Bill: I can't believe that fucking bastard! He camped in the bathroom and made me do all the work!

[Bill goes in the cabin to confront him]

Bill: MARK!!! WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU?!?! YOU ARE SO GONNA GET IT!!!

[Bill looks everywhere in the cabin, but Mark isn't there]

Bill: Here's not here?

[Bill tells his parents about it]

Martha: Where could he have gone?

[Suddenly, they get a message from the rental car app]

Daniel: Wait a minute, it says that the car was taken out!

Martha: Where's it at?

Daniel: It's at a parking lot in Oslo...

Martha: MARCUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUS COLLIN SLATEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEER!!! (Echoes)

[We cut to Mark entering the record shop]

Mark: I can't believe it... I'm actually here...

[The shop looked similar to what it was back in 1991. It had racks of heavy metal albums and a cashier that also served as a bar. The clerk, Egil, had blonde long hair and a black beard and mustache, a muscular body, wore a battle vest filled with patches of black and death metal bands, and a bullet belt that held his black leather pants]

Mark: Yo, you work here?

Egil: Yes. I'm Egil. Are you a customer?

Mark: I'm not just a customer! I'm Mark, and I come from the US. I'm a HUGE heavy metal fan, and I'm especially into death metal and black metal. This is the shop that Euronymous had!

Egil: Yeah, but it was closed down in 1993. Helvete is no more, but this is now Neseblod Records.

Mark: Oh, I really don't care what it is now. This will always be Helvete in my heart!

Egil: That's cute, but are you gonna buy something?

Mark: Nah, I'm here because I want to go down to the Black Circle.

Egil: Oh, the basement? Sure thing.

[Egil leads Mark down the basement]

Mark: Wow... this is it. This is where all of the black metal legends went. From Euronymous to Varg, and from Emperor to Samoth... this is amazing.

[Mark sees two girls sitting and listening to Slayer's "War Ensemble"]

Mark: Why hello ladies!

Jessica: I'm Jessica, and this is my sister Nora. We're both born here with parents from the UK.

Mark: Well can I stay here for the night?

Egil: Sure.

Mark: Well we're gonna get turned up in here!

[Mark changes the music to Immortal's "All Shall Fall", and he and the girls start to get sensual]

[Meanwhile...]

Martha: This must be the place!

Daniel: Let's go!

[The 4 enter the shop]

Bill: Where is Mark?

Egil: Who?

Martha: WHERE THE FUCK IS MY SON?!?!

Daniel: Tell him where he is now or we'll destroy this shithole!

Egil: Well, uh... he just left.

Bill: BULLSHIT!!! I CAN HEAR ROCK MUSIC PLAYING DOWNSTAIRS!!!

[The 4 rush past Egil and go downstairs]

Martha: MARK!!! WHAT THE HELL?!?!

Mark: Oh shi- cover yourselves!

Daniel: What are you doing, young man?

Mark: Nothing. We were just listening to music, that's all!

Bill: Then why the hell are they naked?

Nora: Gå vekk! Vi vil ikke ha deg her! (Go away! We don't want you here!)

Daniel: What?

Jessica: Nora mainly speaks Norwegian.

Martha: WELL YOU WHORES GET OUT OF HERE RIGHT NOW!!!

[Jessica and Nora put on their clothes and leave]

Daniel: What the hell were you thinking, young man?

Mark: What the fuck were you thinking trying to get me to sleep in below freezing degree weather?

Egil: (arriving) Okay, what is going on here?

Martha: Our son Mark wasn't suppose to be here. We're so sorry about this.

Mark: Yeah! Be sorry for disrupting my time!

Bill: YOU DON'T SNEAK OUT TO GO FUCK FAT GIRLS IN A SHITTY RECORD SHOP!!!

Daniel: Quit it, Bill! We don't need you to parent Mark!

Martha: Now let's go! This night was a disaster!

[The family leaves the record shop]

Bill and Stacy ruin the visit to the Noble Peace Center
Martha: Today we're going back to Oslo.

Bill: After what Mark did and we're gonna go back?

Mark: That's good, because that means I get to spend more time in Helvete.

Daniel: We're not going back there, Mark. Especially after that stunt you pulled last night!

Bill: Can we just ship him back? I don't want his toxic fartass ruining this trip.

Martha: I want to give him another chance.

[They head to downtown Oslo]

Daniel: We're going to visit the Nobel Peace Center.

Mark: I thought they were held in Sweden.

Bill: Some are, but they're usually held in Norway.

[They enter the building and go to see the exhibitions]

Daniel: This is where all of the Nobel Prize winners are here.

Martha: You can learn more about them with this,

[Suddenly, one of the displays is knocked over by Stacy]

Martha: STACY!!! Don't do that!

Bill: She's gonna wreck this now!

[They then move on to another exhibition, only for Stacy to take someone's iPod Touch and throw it at another display, damaging it and bricking the iPod]

Person: You need to control your daughter!

Martha: She has non-verbal autism. Please forgive her!

[The manager arrives]

Manager: I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.

Bill: YOU'RE SERIOUSLY GONNA KICK US ALL OUT BECAUSE OF HER?!?!

Manager: Calm down, sir...

Bill: DON'T "CALM DOWN, SIR" ME!!! I'M NOT GONNA-

[Bill then knocks down another display]

Martha: BILL!!!

Daniel: STOP IT YOU TWO!!!

[Bill and Stacy then work together to destroy the remaining displays, destroy the iPod Touchs, and ruin the experience for everyone]

Manager: THAT IS IT!!! YOU ARE BANNED HERE FOREVER!!! NOW LEAVE!!!

[In the car...]

Martha: That was so embarrassing! Bill and Stacy, you don't smash the center up!

Bill: Well guess what? Because Stacy wanted to get us all kicked out, I got pissed! She is doing this on purpose!

Daniel: She doesn't know better! She has autism!

Bill: That excuse isn't gonna work when she starts mass genocide!

Mark: I thought the center was okay. Bill and Stacy didn't have to react like that.

Martha: See? Even your older brother, who snuck out last night, thinks you're horrible!

Slater Family sees the Northern Lights
Martha: Did you know that during this time, they have the northern lights?

Mark: That's good, but since we're from Oslo, can we still see them?

Bill: It's possible, but it's not likely.

Daniel: That is why we're driving to Trondheim.

Bill: Trondheim? Isn't that north?

Martha: Yes! It's closer to the north pole, and we'll get clearer views!

Mark: How long is the drive?

Daniel: Fastest route is 6 hours and 43 minutes. And that's without traffic, which is a bit of a problem here.

Bill: Are you fucking serious? That's an all day affair driving from here to Trondheim and back! Why can't we fly? Isn't that faster?

Martha: True, but it's more pricey, and besides, we can see the beautiful forests en route to the town!

Mark: I'd rather stay here instead.

Bill: As I said before, we're far less likely to see the northern lights here.

Daniel: Now come on! We gotta be there by 8:30 PM!

[And so the 5 get in the rental car and start the drive to Trondheim]

[30 minutes into the drive...]

Mark: Hey, look what I found when I searched up the northern lights in Trondheim.

''As a general rule, Trondheim is too far south for any good and regular sightings of the northern lights. Still, there is a slight chance that you may observe them during your stay. If the conditions are right, you can observe them far south, but this does not happen very often.''

Bill: The fuck? We're better off staying in Oslo if the conditions of the northern lights are just as bad!

Martha: Well, uh, Oslo isn't everything here! Sometimes, in order to get the full experience in a foreign country, you gotta be willing to explore a bit.

[120 minutes into the drive...]

Daniel: Okay. We're stopping here for gas.

Mark: Good! I gotta piss!

[The 3 kids go to the convenient store. Mark rushes straight to the bathroom while Bill and Stacy look for drinks and snacks to get]

Bill: Wow, Norwegian candy is pretty weird. I'll go with some Freia.

[Stacy knocks down some candy in the shelves]

Bill: No, Stacy!

Mark: (arriving) Yo, they have some imported Swedish and American candy here.

Bill: Thank goodness. Besides, they're selling Kinder Surprise Eggs here. They're actually banned back in the States!

[After buying their snacks, they go back in the car, in which the gas has been refilled]

Martha: Are we ready to go?

Daniel: Yep!

[4 hours later, they arrive at Trondheim at 8:30 PM]

Martha: Right on time! Maybe this trip will actually be a success!

[The family rents a hotel room with a balcony. The 5 are seen camping out in the balcony]

Mark: I don't see why we gotta camp out here. There's an entire room right next to us!

Bill: Well mom doesn't want us the leave Norway without getting a severe case of frostbite!

Martha: Am not! We have to see the northern lights!

Daniel: It's 9:30 PM, and so far, no lights!

Martha: Don't worry. They'll come eventually!

[It's now 11 PM, and still no lights]

Bill: Stacy is already asleep!

Daniel: I'm going on Facebook, this is just ridiculous.

[Mark puts on his iPod and plays Burzum's "Det Som En Gang Var"]

Mark: I'd figure this would help me stay awake.

[It's now 3 AM, and at this point, everyone but Mark is asleep]

Mark: Well, I guess the northern lights will never appear.

[Mark turns off his iPod and starts to go in the room, but then he notices a color light passing through the window of the door]

Mark: What the...

[Mark looks behind, and sees the northern lights. They range in colors from green to blue. It is medium sized, and shines brightly]

Mark: GUYS WAKE UP!!! THE NORTHERN LIGHTS ARE HERE!!!

[The family doesn't wake up]

Mark: DAMNIT THE ONE TIME SOMETHING GOOD HAPPENS AND I'M THE ONLY ONE TO WITNESS THIS!!!

[Mark proceeds to get out his phone and begins to record the lights]

Mark: (talking to the phone) As you can see, piece of shit family, this is what you all missed in your sleep!

[The lights go on for 30 minutes before they disappear]

Mark: (stopping the recording) Wow... that was beautiful! Too bad no one else got to see it!

[It is now 8 AM. The rest of the family has woken up, but Mark is still sleeping]

Bill: I knew we'd miss the lights!

Martha: This sucks! And I only rented out one night!

Daniel: Get up, Mark!

Mark: (waking up) ...wha?

Martha: Mark, did you see the northern lights?

Mark: (thinking for a bit, then smiling) No. I stayed up all the way up until 4 AM, and I never saw one light!

Martha: What?

Mark: Yeah! One of the employees then came here to tell me that this isn't even the time for the lights to appear at all! You drove us all the way here for nothing!

Bill: I KNEW IT WAS A WASTE OF TIME!!!

Martha: But I thought... I'm so sorry guys. Let's go home.

[As the family packs their things to go in the car, Mark drags a bit to see the recording]

Mark: I'm gonna keep this a secret for as long as I live.

Slater Family Visits Bergen
Martha: Today we're going to visit the town of Bergen.

Daniel: And this time, we're going on a plane, which will only take 50 minutes and will only cost $149.

Mark: Nice! I heard Varg Vikernes used to live there during the Norwegian black metal scene, and I would love to visit his former house!

Bill: It's not all about black metal, Mark! We can go to Troldhaugen, which was the former home of Edvard Grieg.

Mark: What do you know about that assfuck?

Bill: Is assfuck even a word?

[The family gets on a small plane]

Pilot: Are we ready to go?

Family: Yeah!

[The plane runs on the runway, then begins to ascend]

Bill: Wow. This is so much better than the Norwegian Air Shuttle we took to get here!

[50 minutes later, the plane reaches Bergen]

Mark: Okay, now where's Varg's house?

Daniel: We're not going there yet. We're gonna visit the Troldhaugen first.

[The family visits the Troldhaugen Museum]

Bill: Edvard Grieg and his wife Nina lived there. Some of his greatest hits, including "Peer Gynt, Suite №1, Opus 46: I. Morning Mood", were composed here.

Mark: Nice, but this isn't Varg's house.

Martha: Mark, I swear if I hear you complain about Varg's house one more time, we're not going there at all!

[After seeing the house, they went to Varg's old house]

Mark: Wow, this is the exact place where Varg lived in. Can we go see it?

Bill: Well it looks like there are new people living here. We probably shouldn't-

[Mark ignores this as he takes a big rock and throws it at a window, shattering it]

Martha: MARK!!!

Daniel: What was that for?!

Mark: Fuck y'all! I'm going in!

[Mark climbs into the house. He is in the kitchen]

Mark: Looks like no one is here. Everyone come in!

Bill: Nope! We're not in a mood to go to prison!

Martha: Do you even know how a criminal record could destroy our traveling days?

Mark: No it's not! Now if you babies aren't gonna explore with me, then I'll explore myself!

[Mark goes into the living room]

Mark: I can't believe I'm walking in the same house as Count Grishnackh! They shouldn't let people move here! This should be a museum!

[Suddenly, someone runs downstairs and to the living room. He is Ervin, and he is skinny with short brown hair, wearing red pajamas with blue slippers]

Ervin: Who are you?

Mark: I'm not here to steal your shit. I'm just visiting Varg's old house.

Ervin: What do you know about Varg?

Mark: He's from Burzum, and he killed Euronymous!

Ervin: Really? Cause he's my distant cousin!

Mark: For real?

Ervin: Yeah for real! After he got out of prison, he changed his name to Louis Cachet and moved to France to start a new life. I moved into to his shack just to preserve it.

Mark: So are you into black metal?

Ervin: Hell no! And I especially hate his shitty Burzum band!

Mark: Shitty? You ever heard of Dunkelheit?

Ervin: Get the fuck out of here before I call the police!

Mark: Fine!

[Mark leaves the house]

Bill: So how was it?

Mark: I got to meet Varg's distant cousin, though he doesn't like black metal at all.

Martha: Let's go! This was a disaster!